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Information gathered from "Separation/Divorce: A child's view"
Mandatory classroom attendance for divorcing couples with children.

I took this class at St Pete College 5/22/2010
75,000 people have taken the class since it's inception.

About 50 students attended this class and almost everyone participated freely.
(For a few it was their last mandatory step before being granted their divorce)

We live in a no fault divorce state so there is no "just cause" required.
ie. No blame game.
 Judges know what their job is when they see angry, unprepared people show up in court.
So, if you have anger issues, get them seen to with professional help today.
Talk to your physician first to make sure there is no medical reason for your anger.
For some people it can be a brain chemical imbalance (serotonin depletion etc)
and can be easily balanced under medical supervision.

OR the Judge will be happy to show you how she/he deals with it!
A Judge never wants to see you back in court - ever!
What is required is that parents learn how to win in a no win situation - reference material
Learn the grieving model, start co-operating with the person you were once in love with (if even only for a short time)
 and write up YOUR own parenting plan.
Otherwise it's going to get costly with no win.

Most states require a legal year of separation WITH financial support already provided before granting a divorce.

The stats are in.....the information is available.
The process of going through a divorce takes 2 - 3 yrs even though the paperwork may appear smooth.
Caution: if you are dating someone going through this get educated to help them not harm them.
Don't be a butt head! Give THEM time to work out their parenting plan WITHOUT YOU.
It'll take 2 - 3 yrs so don't rush them.

The first step of the divorce game requires a minimum of 2 players.
One player must decide to play one side of the polarity - the opponent who was once in love with you.
Child/ren came and one player decides to play a new game - the opponent who is not in love with you any more.
One opponent decides to feel rejected and the game begins.
As long as no third party decides to play, the game proceeds for months, often years.
One day, one opponent decides to play dumb and forces the opponent into making a move.
This move may be to recruit other players for more fun and games.
Then, one opponent decides to file for divorce and so enacting the blame game.
Tattoo this into your skull: "blaming is a crooked way to feel better"
This stage may never be fully resolved.
The court system is full of people playing this game and the judges know this already.
To try to circumvent further players from entering the game, information is leaked out into the community
in the form of mandatory classroom time.
Those players with the least amount of resistance to playing the game will ironically be the least willing to
play this part of the game - the willing student.
SO the judges have invented the EXIT STRATEGY game - no class, no divorce.
This is where the game slows down and both players have to face the penalty of engaging the game.
It can result in a sort of emotional purgatory - a stale mate.
Both players can decide to end the game at any point and create a parenting plan with their newly refriended opponent.
This can involve setting up trusts for the child/ren rather than pay for more games.

If you'd like to watch a movie about games, I recommend THE BOX

There are stages of grieving that ALL participants must go through to come out "clean" on the other side.

Ages & stages for kids stress

Second marriages aren't often properly cleaned up from the first divorce hence:
 the likelihood for second divorce is imminent within 10 yrs.
If you are to learn nothing else, tattoo this somewhere visible:
"I promise I will not discount the other parent in front of the child/ren"

The 3 major stresses in anyone's life remains to be death of child/parent, divorce, separation from a loved one.
Children need to hear 3 statements from you as often as possible and as sincerely as possible."I love you. It's not your fault. I'm here for you"
AND (quality time) they need at least 20 mins* of undivided attention from you on a consistent basis in order to know that they HAVE loving parents!
*refer to the relaxation response of the parasympathetic nervous system counterbalancing the stresses of just being a 21st century human

Here's what kids know: they fight and make up quickly.
Grown ups forget how to do this!
 They become adults who bear resentment and grudges.
We can safely assume they have had arrested development with unfinished grieving from their own childhood death, divorce or separation and carry this grief into their adult life.

Be aware EVERY part of your life will be affected by these stressors. Divorce IS an emotional event.
Those going through it now have picked the worst time since the depression.
Lawyers, realtors and other scavengers will be taking money from the financial pool. So it makes sense to work out your own plan.

Using the Kubler Ross Model you should be expected to be
rummaging around in a yard sale of emotions for several years until acceptance finally settles in.

You can tell a person is cleaned up when there is no more denial, anger, bargain hunting or depression.
The manipulations and games wind down.
All that is left is peaceful co operation.

Caution: Almost all children and many grown ups are prone to magical thinking.

This is where in the absence of complete information the imagination fills in the blanks and the results are often damaging.
The way to disengage from magical thinking is to give clear information and updates and remind your children of the facts.
"'I love you. It's not your fault. I'm here for you"

More appropriate outlets for anger: physical activity (work) or exercise.
Anger is the most destructive force in humans and needs to be addressed daily.
If anger isn't appropriately addressed it gets turned inwards (depression, magical paranoia) or turned onto someone else (overt or covert abuse)

Focus Group Q: What is the major concern/struggle for couples since the decision to divorce?
A: "How to get past denial & anger, get agreements with the other parent & become a positive parental influence"

REMEMBER: as recently as 100 yrs ago women and children were the property of men.

Final primaries (intentions)
"I promise I will not discount anyone in the presence of another"
"I forgive my trespassers for they are ignorant of the fact that any harm they cause is self harm"
"I will not use my imagination (magical thinking) for doing harm"
 

Resources
free RELATIONSHIP FITNESS in Pinellas
More Love Less Arguing FREE workshop
Rebuilding Seminars
Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice